Thursday, December 20, 2012

And a Most Exciting Kwanzaa to You!

Well.  It has been a hot minute since I have been up in your grill with my nonsense.

I hope I can remedy that today.

The last month has consisted of much gift preparation.  Leaving no time for writing. 

And zero outlet for my bitchy side, Francis.  Francis has been under wraps and she is raging.

Michael has been loving it.  (Written in sarcastic font.)

I was feeling a little puffy.  So full of pent up snark.

And then Friday happened.

And then I didn't know what to feel. 

Except scared.  Hopeless.  Devastated.  Confused.  Sad.

Just so sad.

I lost all snark.  The bitchiness was gone.  I didn't even want to punch anybody in the face.

And then all the gun debates started and I quickly regained my urge to punch people in the face.

So don't worry.  Francis lives on.

In the spirit of trying to find some light in these dark days, I thought I'd make a list.

I don't know what to call it because there really is no theme...?

Things that Don't Suck/Things I am Thankful For/Funny Things/Things that are Better than the End of the World.

1.  Upon threat of death, Michael finally stopped wiping tooth paste on the hand towel in the bathroom.  Yay!  I'm pretty sure he feels severely oppressed, but I told him that towel was purely decorational and did not serve any actual purpose.  Except to dry the hands of the guests we never have.

2.  Giant seasonal tins of popcorn.  I hate carmel corn and Michael hates chedder corn.  I am only luke warm about the butter flavor.  It results in all dividers of popcorn being eaten at the same rate.  Very pleasing to my OCD side. 

3.  Pinterest taught me to wrap the stem of my bananas in plastic wrap.  It kept our bananas longer.  Thanks Pinterest.

4.  Pinterest also taught me how to clean the wax out of old candles.  Which did sort of suck.  And now I have many glass jars that I have nothing to do with.  But because of Pinterest I refuse to throw them away. 

Horrible Catch 22.

5.  If the world does end, there will be no more Ke$ha.

'Bout damn time.

6.  Last night I looked over to find Michael drinking a cup of cocoa and eating a hard boiled egg.

I married a retiree.

(Excuse the crack in the lens.  That happened in the 4 hour span in which my phone was with out a protective cover.  True story.)

7.  Incidentally, I also found out that he thinks the lyrics to Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree are:

Rockin' around the Christmas tree
At the Christmas party house.
Mistletoe hung where you can see
Ev'ry couple tries to stop

Christmas Party House

I said, it's Hop.  The Christmas Party HOP.

He disagreed, and it's pretty much the only debate of this kind I have ever won in our entire marriage. 

Merry Christmas to me!

8.  The fact that I have never won any of these small debates doesn't bother me.  All I have to do is look at our children.  It's like my genes kicked his in the shins and said,

"Sit yo ass down."

So maybe I won the most important battle of all. 

9.  Michael made the soft almond sugar cookies from Pinterest, upon my request.

They were spectacular.  I highly recommend!

10.  Doing some blog clean-up, I noticed a crazy amount of views on one of my old, old, old posts.  (The ones I can't read because they are full of long, un-funny paragraphs with run-on sentences and a thousand commas.  Although, I do still love commas. A lot.)

This is highly unusual because really only about 8 people visit this blog a day.  And I bet I could tell you who they are.  And they're probably just killing time on the toilet. 

We've all done it.

The winner is:  Undie Sundae

After looking it up, I've found that 9,266 people have read this post since I wrote it.

It gives me great joy (an unreasonable amount actually) to know that I have, unbeknownst to me, been helping to heal, to coin a phrase of one of my co-workers, Miss. Kittys, since 2010. 

(See that sentence right there, that was a nod to my love of commas.  I don't even care if I use them right.  I just throw them around willy-nilly.)

I can really ring in the new year with hope now;

I feel like a vaginal guardian angel of sorts.

11.  Commas.

12.  This face:

I mean. I die.


14.   Our refrigerator.

It's not stainless steel, it's not sleek and pretty.  The door ice maker doesn't work.

It is chaotic and messy, but it is full of reminders that a family lives here. 

And we have a lot of love.

And that is a whole lot of light on dark days.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Kwanzaa!

(I actually had to google, "How do you wish someone a Happy Kwanzaa?  I wasn't sure if it was Happy Kwanzaa, Merry Kwanzaa, Exciting Kwanzza??  Turns out I was right with Happy Kwanzaa.  Joyous and Jubilant Kwanzaa is also acceptable.)

P.S.  I also learned another Kwanzaa greeting in Swahili is 'Harambee!,' which means, "Let's all pull together."

Google, as ever, you are so wise and timely.



  1. You are fabulous. Just wanted to let you know! Thanks for the great read on a boring Thursday at the office :)

  2. Emily - I love your Blog. Your humour is so refreshing and, well, hilarious.
    From one OCD Mom to another,
    P.S. I also love commas. See?

  3. Thanks for the wonderful compliments!! Y'all are too sweet!! Please, keep visiting and commenting; I love hearing from everyone :)

  4. I found your blog via pinterest and the undie sundae post (which I will totally keep in mind for my next post delivery time, if there is one!) I am a new mom and relate to lots of your writings. I find your blog hilarious and look forward to reading more funny, real life posts! I especially enjoyed your comments about commas! I have been writing this year for a educational blog and my husband proofreads my pieces before I submit them. He dares to claim that I use commas too much! I think there is no such thing as too many commas. :) I also feel that way about parenthetical comments in writing too.