Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Panic at the Disco

Two days in a row!

Get a grip, Emily!

I don't even have anything good to say, but the kids are both sleeping at the same time.  So I figured I better not shut my eyes or the world may end. 

I thought I'd just write some nonsense on here instead of packing and having a panic attack. 

And seriously, yesterday got super weepy. And we just can't have that.

1.  We went to Target today. (What day don't we go to Target?) And I got a new planner!!!

(Yes, I am three exclamation points excited!!!)
It's the best day of the year!
Except I'll be really anal about writing in it at first, and I'll have to use white out if I mess up because I don't want to spoil my brand new pretty planner. 
While pulling out of Target we have to pass by Michael's...
Damn it all
And I saw these beauts on the sidewalk outside the store.  (Does anyone else ever wonder how they make sure people don't steal that stuff?)
These memory boxes were on sale...on the sidewalk.  Which would leave some to believe that they were crap (my husband), BUT I've been looking for just the thing! 
I needed something to put all of the kids' stuff in.  Things that I couldn't put in their baby book, but I can't throw away, like all of their birthday cards, candles and special things like that.  Hoarder stuff.
I picked out Addie's, obviously, it's adorable. 
And I let Henry pick out his. 
I was really pushing for a handsome navy stripe, with a herringbone lid, but let's be serious.  Giant Octopus is the trump card.
2.  I've been having a terrible time lately.  (duh.)
But it's not what you think. 
Addie is still a crawler.  (I didn't really have the highest hopes knowing our children's track record with walking.  I'll start to worry in nine months.) 
Having a crawler and going to the park sucks.  It really sucks. 
It's hot so you want to put them in shorts, but then their little knees get all scraped up by the cement and wood chips.  And then they eat the wood chips. 
It's a disaster.
But, mostly because I'm a cheapskate, I was trying to shoehorn Adeline into an old pair of pants, when I discovered something amazing.
All of her nine month pants will fit, except now they are adorable capri pants!!!  (Again, note my excitement!!!) 
(I know the high capri pant is a little dated, but we're going to cut her a break because she's one.  I have hopes that her twelve month stuff will be ankle length by the end of the summer.  Very chic and on trend.)
I got distracted.  My point is that the capris are cooler, but also protect her knees.  Sold.
3.  When we were at Target (see #1) I decided I really want a label maker.  I've wanted one for some time now, but it's always been something I never bought because well, who buys label makers. 
But now I need one.  I want one.  I must have one.
So when we move, and I have died from anxiety, everything will be exquisitely labeled for Michael.
4.  Addie is cutting her two front teeth and she's mean.  She whines.  She's not very fun to be around.  Even medicated.  But there is one thing that makes her happy.

This old, nasty ass washcloth. It is actually clean.  It's just that disgusting looking.
I can't pry it out of her hands.  I don't want to pry it out of her hands because if there's nothing in her mouth she's crying. 
So it travels. 
And I look like a negligent mother.  Letting my daughter chew on garbage. 
But, it makes her happy.  So what can you do.
5.  Trying to sell our house is making me an angry person.  (Angrier than normal.)
A very clean, angry person.
I have prayed.  I have buried statues.  I have sacrificed animals.
Not really.
Seriously.  Don't tell me how great my house is and then not buy it.  
You're like that dick in college, 
"I think you're really great, let's go out sometime!" 
"Just kidding, you're gross." 
I feel like I'm going to cut somebody.
6.  Addie's first birthday was last week!  Wheeee :)
She's one year closer to making her own sandwiches and hating six o'clock in the morning.
We ate cupcakes and opened presents.  And mommy took pictures.
And then mommy realized she took everything with the camera set on black and white.
And then mommy cried.  And we had to restage the birthday a few days later and get new pictures.
(Don't get me wrong, I love a black and white photo as much as the next guy.  But the best part was the pink frosting all over her face.  Total mom fuck up.)
So now her brother thinks she has two birthdays.
Birthday #1

Birthday #2
And mommy's nervous breakdown was postponed another week.
(She's totally cute enough to deserve two birthdays.)
7.  We bathe Henry and Addie at the same time. 
We used to bathe them separately but Henry always went first and then Addie had his left over bath water and it all felt a little, "poor Cinderella in her brother's dirty bathwater." So now we dump them in all at once and let them stew in each other's filth.
Addie is a curious one year old.  The other night she lunged over and grabbed Henry's wiener.
Henry:  NO SISSY!!  Mommy, Sissy Addie just grabbed my wiener!
Me:  I'm sorry Henry.  Addie didn't know what she was doing.  It's not okay for her to touch your wiener.  You are the only person that is supposed to touch your wiener. 
And then it felt like an after school special. 
When do you start bathing your boy and girl separately?
8.  Someone asked me if I'm nervous about what people think about me because of how I write.  Especially how I write about motherhood.
You know, sometimes I see someone with their new baby and I think to myself, "Now, there is a natural.  A born mommy." 
She doesn't mind being up at 11 pm, and then 1:30 am, and then 4 am.  And then up for good at 6.  You can tell it doesn't even phase her.  It's just more time to snuggle.

Well.  I hated being up at 11 pm, 1:30 am, and 4 am.  And I especially hated, and still do really, really hate 6:00 am.
But I still love being a mother. 
My kids are everything to me. 
I started this blog because I was spending inordinate amounts of time at home staring at a two month old and a breast pump.  And it sucked.  I would look around and think, "Is this supposed to get awesome soon?"  Because this isn't awesome.  I loved Henry more than anything in the world, but it was a gigantic change.  Life was suddenly completely different, and it was hard for me. 
I just felt like somehow I was missing something that other moms had.  I couldn't relate to these other perfect 'natural born mommies.'
I just wanted to talk about being a parent in a real way.  And I wouldn't have ever dreamed that people would respond the way they have.  When I get a comment and someone I don't even know says, "Wow, that is exactly how I feel.  Thank you so much!"  It makes me happy, not because I wrote it, but because someone read exactly what they needed to hear at exactly the right time, and hopefully it made them feel less alone.
I feel like there are plenty of people out there for whom parenthood was an...adjustment.  That doesn't mean they are bad parents.  It doesn't mean they love their babies less.  They are great parents. 
I'm sure there are tons, TONS of people that can't stand me.  And that is totally finePerfectly understandable.  There are some people I don't really like.  But that is what is so great about adulthood; I don't care anymore what people think about me. 
The people that matter to me know who I am. 
I write what I write because it's how I feel, and I hope that there is some mother out there in her sweatpants with a two week old that finds my blog just in time.  Just when she starts to feel really bad about herself because she is miserable and she thinks that makes her a bad mother.
You are a fantastic mother.  You are not the only person that has ever felt this way.  It will get better.  Being up in the middle of the night is terrible.  Cut yourself some slack.
So no, long story short, I don't feel nervous.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Thanks and love.

There are just some things that are hard to tell people.

Like, it's hard to complimentarily (look I made up a word) ask someone if they've lost weight, because no matter how you do it somehow it always sounds like you thought they looked like an obese freak before.  And sometimes that sucks, because you're really trying to say, "You look really awesome, great job!" 

But I feel like it must sound like, "You look great, thank God...you looked hideous before."

I find you just can't win with that one.

(Maybe it's just in my mind.  I never over think things.)

Similarly, it is extremely difficult to tell people that you love, people that you are close to that you're moving.  No matter how you do it somehow it seems to sound like, "We're getting the hell outta Dodge!  It sucks ass here and your friendship wasn't enough to make us stay.  Deuces." 

When what you really want to say is, "We've made a really difficult decision to relocate so that we can be closer to our families, and so that the kids can grow up close to their grandparents and aunts and uncles."

And your friends are really supportive, but what you think they're really thinking is:

It's terrible.

It's been twelve years since I've lived in the city I grew up in.  All of my memories of that place are in the context of a completely different time in my life:  High School.  So, obviously I'm feeling a small bit of trepidation as to how it will feel living there again. 

In full-on adult mode.

This time I won't be trying to sneak downtown and scoop the loop with my friends.  I'll be taking my kids to preschool and racing to find a bathroom at the zoo while my son poops in his Cars undies. 

There are people I really didn't know when I did live at home, but now feel as though I do know them because I've seen pictures of their weddings and the births of their children.  Are we really friends?

If I see them in the grocery store do I say hi, ask about the kids I've never met and seem like a total creeper?

(Speaking of grocery stores, I'm sad to leave a state in which the grocery store chain is called Harris Teeter.  "The Teet"  "Harry Teets" "The Tit".  Telling Michael I'm running to the store will never be as much fun again.  Sad face.)

And then, unfortunately. there are those very, very few people that you did know like 1000 years ago, but since 2004 and the advent of the 'status update' you are totally comfortable being 1600 miles away from.

I can't be the only one that has suffered these feelings at the hands of Facebook. 

Tell me I'm not the only one.

And in the inevitable event that I run into them it'll be like:

This is new territory for me, and embarrassingly, these are the things that keep me up at night.  That and a host of other terrible made up scenarios. 

In all seriousness, making these decisions has been awful.  We are elated.  And we are devastated.

It would be so easy if we hated it here.  But we don't hate it here. 

We chose to start a life together in North Carolina.  We became a family in North Carolina. We were amazingly blessed to have been welcomed by people that made us Yankees feel like we belonged here.  People that made us feel like family.  Michael was incredibly lucky to have been united with a group here that is beyond wonderful; they too have shared in all of our joy from day one.  Deciding to leave his practice here was the most agonizing decision of our married life.  Not for one moment have we ever taken for granted the love and support everyone here has shown us.   We will miss everyone so much.  So much.

And here's where it gets hard for me.

Sometimes in life the trees seem really dense and it is tough to see the path God wants you on, 

And you feel a little lost. 

Thankfully I found my way here, and I am truly sad to leave the community of people that made me feel like I wasn't lost anymore. 

My nurses.

I wish I could explain just what they mean to me.  But I can't.  I can't come up with the words that do my heart justice. 

When I go to work I am surrounded by women that inspire me.  They are fearless.  They are so brave.  I watch them work and I feel like I will never be what they are.  They are the smartest, most compassionate, most incredible people.  Their hands are skilled and gentle, and in the face of what seems like chaos they come together as a team in the most beautiful way.  It looks choreographed; you wouldn't ever know they were struggling to save a life.  They make it look effortless and easy.  They aren't scared, and I'm terrified nearly every day.  They always have the answers, and I always have the questions. 

Instinct would have anyone do this job with a closed heart.  With armor, to protect themselves from the things they see.  But everyday their hearts are open.  More days than not they are called to do a job that requires a level of focus, concentration and composure that is exhausting.  I have seen them come in on their days off to say goodbye.  And I have seen them come in on their days off to celebrate tiny victories.  When I feel like I would have crumbled under the immense pressure a thousand times, their courage never fails.  They have hope when a situation feels hopeless, and they have humor when days feel really, really dark.  They have comforted me when I've cried and shared wisdom when my heart was hurting.  They are my mentors, they are my teachers, and I feel so incredibly lucky to call them friends.  They are my heroes.

I'm ecstatic to have been welcomed by another great children's hospital; I don't doubt I will make new friends, but I will never forget the old. One is silver and the other's gold. :) 

Flannery O'Connor wrote, "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."

I'm nervous to move.  I'm scared to start over in a place that should feel like home, but may not feel like home for a while.  I'm sad to move the kids from the only home they've ever known.

But.  I don't feel like we could ever make the wrong decision by choosing family.  So we chose our families. 

My dad can teach Henry and Addie about cars and Michael's dad can teach them how to fish.  Adeline's aunts can teach her how to accessorize, and that no matter what anyone says you can never have too many pairs of boots.

And in the midst of all this family.  I'll be able to do something amazing.


Just kidding.  Kind of.

Soon we will say goodbye to North Carolina and hello to Iowa to start a new chapter in our lives.  We just wanted everyone here to know how much they have meant to us. 

I'll leave it at that before I start quoting the lyrics to Jason Aldean's 'Fly Over States'.


Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for making it so easy to fall in love with North Carolina.  

And to our friends and family at home, we can't wait.