Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Best Laid Plans

Damn you Babycenter.com, damn you to Hell.

There are a few things in this world that I wish I never found out about:

1.  Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips.

I don't know how many layers of tongue I have lost to those irresistible bastards.  Too many to count.

2.  Rainbow Chip Frosting. 

I don't know how many pounds of fat I owe to this devil in a can.  Too many to count.

3.  Babycenter.com

I don't know how many hours of sleep I've lost and hissy fits I've thrown at the hands of Babycenter.com.  Too many to count.

It all sounds so well and good:

Subscribe to website; get useful information and updates on your pregnancy, baby, toddler...

During my pregnancy this was a Planners Nirvana.  My ultimate destination for all things baby.

For a person with a moderate to sometimes severe anxiety issue these updates are only useful if everything is going as planned. 

But things don't go as planned.

Parenthood 101:

Make a Plan B.  Plan C.  And Plan D. 

Because Plan A ain't never gonna happen.

It wasn't my plan that Henry would decide he didn't want to walk until he was 19 months old... 

But I'll be damned if I didn't get that update email every month:

"Your Baby at 15 Months"

"Your Baby at 16 Months"

"Your Baby at 17 Months"

Please enlighten me Babycenter.com! 

What is my XYZ Month old supposed to be capable of this month?

Walking, you say!?

50 words, you say!?

Sentences, you say!?

Algebra, some light calculus!?

Well, I have something to say to you Babycenter.com:

Fuck you.

(Cut to me, slamming the computer into the wall.)

Kids don't all develop at the same rate.

Every child does not walk, talk, run, jump or fart at the same time.

So I'd like to thank you for the monthly anxiety attack I have come to expect from you. 

You never fail me.

What's that?

Just don't read the emails....

Well, then I wouldn't be a good mom, now would I?

So as we speak I am in the midst of a Babycenter-induced-panic-attack. 

They tell me that we should be establishing good sleep habits for Adeline. 

They are warning me that bad sleep habits can get out of hand quickly.

Currently she loves to sleep in her crib at night, but refuses to nap in it during the day. 

She likes to nap in her swing.  No motion.

Just sitting in her swing. 

Happy as a clam.

But, that's not a good sleep habit!!

She should be napping in her crib...

This is getting out of hand!



AHH.


How are we going to explain to her college roommate that she needs to sleep in a custom made basket?

She's going to be that weird girl on the 5th floor who sleeps in a basket.

Thanks for the update Babycenter.com.

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