Friday, September 14, 2012

Paging Christian Grey, MD

At first I thought, "Hmm...maybe I shouldn't write about this, maybe it's just too embarrassing."

Then, I thought.  Well, what the Hell is this thing for anyway.

So here you go.

This past week has been SO thrilling, I can't even begin to tell you!

18 HOURS of computer training for work.  It's called Epic. And let me tell you the name does not disappoint.

18 HOURS of sitting.

(Which at first, I was actually kind of excited about.  I don't get to sit down that much.)

Let me tell you.  It was thrilling.

So thrilling, in fact, that the veins popped out of my butt.


Hemorrhoids y'all.

See at first, when I thought this was too embarrassing to write about, I did what any smart medical professional with 500 text books in their house does. 

I googled it.

According to Web MD, 50% of the population suffers from hemorrhoids at least once before the age of fifty. 

So I did the math, carried the one, and figured that some of you probably know what I'm talking about here.

Especially since so many of you have pooped babies as well;

Which, as luck would have it, makes us even more susceptible to the 'Big H.'

I figured, we should not have to suffer this indignity in silence...alone.

So I thought I'd tell a bunch of strangers, so we could all laugh about it together.


I thought, there must be a quick fix for this.  What is happening?  I'm only 29.  This is not nice.  This is not fair.

My dad has 'Hs.'  I am not supposed to have 'Hs'.

That's what I'm calling it from now on.  Hs.  If I keep typing the word I feel like the hemorrhoids have won. 

Oh Web MD, how many times I have turned to you;

The year I was convinced I had Lupus.

The other year I was convinced I had bone cancer. (Neither of which are funny, I assure you.)

("Nursing is the perfect profession for me!  Said no hypochondriac ever.")

Every time you have comforted and assured me, Web MD. 

This time, however, you told me to stick my finger up my ass.

Not funny. Web MD.  Not funny.

Now, I have had my finger up a few butts in my day.  More than I'd like to remember actually. 

Strictly business, you guys.

(And, as an aside, when you give an adult a rectal suppository, you're technically supposed to hold it up there a few minutes so it doesn't just come slidin' right back out.  Tell me those aren't the most awkward 120 seconds of your life.)

(As another aside, the first rectal suppository I inserted was for a ninety year old man that looked like Santa Clause and sang me a Bluegrass tune while I had my finger up his ass.  Once I also helped an old lady put her vagina back in.  Different story.)

Nursing.  So many stories.  So little time.

Back to me.

Um.  I'm not sticking my finger up my butt Web MD.

And I'm looking around and I don't see Christian Grey anywhere.  So I think I'm going to have to find a Plan B.

Thanks for trying though.

So now what?

So now, I'm squatting over the air conditioner vent in our bathroom with no pants on. 

Just like that time I expelled a human and got vagina hives. 

Ahh.  Good memories.

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Michael, when he walked in on this scene approximately 3 months ago.

"I can't help it, the cold air just feels good..."

Lay off a bitch.

I tell you, child bearing is just the gift that keeps on giving.


  1. Bhahahahaa! I am laughing WITH you! I remember a time when I carried a little baggie of ice everywhere I went. And that was way back when the seals (finger-pressed, pre-zipper type) on those little plastic inventions weren't so good. The only thing worse than being found cooling the H's is being thought to have peed the car seat at age 21!

  2. I'm so glad someone is laughing with me, instead of at me. :)

  3. As a brand new mommy I found this to be a very refreshing read! Oh Hs I hate you!!!!

  4. Hahahaha, This is too funny! I am 24 and have had "H's". They suck! I was told by my doctor to use diaper rash oinment and lay on the floor with my legs spread egale with a fan pointing at my lady parts and butt. She said I needed to dry the H's out and air out my lady parts! Now on my second pregnancy I am dreading having even more of thoes wonderful symptoms then I did with my first!