Fancy Nancy

Okay, I'm not proud of it, but I used to be a judgey-wudgey bear.

Okay, I'm not proud of it, but I probably still am a bit of a judgey-wudgey bear.

BUT

Now, I have shat out two children and have earned the right.

Under no circumstances do I want "Parenting Advice" (i.e. random facts someone heard once about babies, veiled in judgement) from someone that doesn't have children.

But, But, But, But:

I have lots of cousins.

But, But, But, But:

I used to babysit all the time.

But, But, But, But: 

My neighbor has kids and I watch them every third Saturday for an hour and a half.

Nope. 

Wrong answer, but good try.

Come back when you have stretch marks.

Things uttered by the bad childless friend (also goes by the aliases  "Fun and Fancy Free" (FFF), "Fancy Nancy" (who does that bitch think she is, always in real pants.) and "Judge Judy."

1.  "Wow, little Horatio is still waking up in the night to eat.  Geez, babies are supposed to be able to go twelve hours with out eating by this time!"

2.  "Goodness, little Henrietta still has a pacifier when she goes to bed.  Man, she's creeping up on three.  You better get rid of that or her teeth are going to be really messed up."

3.  "You give Franklin M&Ms if he behaves at the grocery store and stays in the cart.   Well, I guess bribery is one way to do it..."

4.  "Fart blossom isn't pooping in the potty yet!  Wow, she's four!"

Really, you don't say!

5.  "Just let them cry it out."

Sure thing, FFF.  That always sounds like such a great plan at 9:00 pm.

Oh how the picture looks different at 1:00 am. 

Do you want to come over at 3:20 am and listen to two hours of screaming, all the while knowing your other child will be up at 5:45 am come hell or high water. Or do you want to pop that paci back in???

6.  "Just turn the monitor off!" 

Another one of my favorites!

The joys of the "Starter House."

You don't even need a baby monitor.  You can hear a mouse fart when your bedrooms are two inches apart.

7.  "Why are you always late!?"

Hmmm.  That's a tough one.  Coming from a neurotically punctual person, who could never even grasp the concept of lateness:

"I mean, why don't they just get up earlier and give themselves more time... or leave earlier...there's really no excuse."

I'm pretty sure Jesus heard those words come out of my mouth at some point, as he has spent every day of the last two years making me regret them.

Children don't have organs, they have accidents.

They are chalk-full of accidents.  In every conceivable way possible they will slow down the process of whatever you are trying to do.

If Jesus had a toddler with him, it would have taken four days and nights to rise.

Count on it.

Preschool start time is 9:00 am.

I start getting them ready to leave at 7:00 am, yet somehow we are still always running through the parking lot at 8:59, with me yelling,

"Henry, show Mommy how fast you can run!!"

Things spill, people poop (ALWAYS two minutes before you walk out the door) and keys get "hidden."

And your toddler will not remember, ever, ever, ever, what happened to anything.

That is the only fact of parenting you can truly count on. 

8.  "I just can't stand to not wash my hair every day!"

No.

9.  "You must enjoy napping while they nap!"

You know what, damn it, I do enjoy it!

It doesn't happen often, and on the occasions it does, I earned it.

So yes, I do enjoy it.

Keep telling yourself that because I get to nap for an hour during the day every two months my job is way easier than whatever it is you do.

10.  "When I have kids..."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Sorry I tuned out because whatever you're saying is not going to happen.

I'm just going to save every mom, everywhere the time and energy: 

SHUT YOUR FACE, FANCY NANCY.

Unless, you have stared down the barrel of 2:15 am, a screaming toddler, a baby with croup and a double ear infection and a wake up time that even the devil can't conceive, I don't want to hear about how bad a pacifier is for my toddler's teeth.

We all know Judge Judy.  We all love Judge Judy.  She is a great person.  She just doesn't have kids.  Yet.

But we will rest comfortably (and slightly smugly) in the fact that she will someday.

And that fact alone, is enough to keep us going.