The Check-Out Hood

I find myself a little scatterbrained as of late.  That being said, I'm having terrible trouble forming coherent paragraphs with a clear message. 

So lists it is for now, ladies and gents.

We are in the thick of toddlerism here.  Sometimes it's funny.  Oftentimes maddening, with a fair bit of completely embarrassing thrown in for good measure. 

Toddler Survival Tips/Unexpected Nightmares/Fooling the Toddler/ Why Didn't Anyone Ever Warn Me About This?

1.  They have been watching.  Yes, this whole time.

If we learned anything from Jurassic Park it's that we should all be scared of the Velociraptors.

Because they learn. 

Toddlers are tiny velociraptors.  Everyday they kick metaphorical pebbles at the electrified fence that is your mental and emotional stability.    

They are searching for weaknesses.  Flaws in the system.

They will find and exploit the weaknesses. 

2.  Toddlers are master manipulators. 

See #1.

The first time you realize that, "I wub bu momma" is not just a sweet sentiment whispered by your sensitive and adorable toddler, but actually the first step in an intricate dance to acquire Teddy Grahams. 

3.  Toddlers learn new words at an alarming rate.  While you may struggle with understanding their quickly growing vocabulary, no clearer words will ever be uttered than in the presence of judgemental outsiders. 

i.e.  grocery store clerks, preschool/daycare teachers, other moms.   

So when you pick your son up from preschool and the teacher pulls you aside and says, with an extremely concerned look on her face, that your child has said,

"Mama, divorce.  Mama divorce." several times.

You will then be forced to explain that it's because as you were flipping through US Weekly, you mentioned that you couldn't believe Bethany and Jason were getting a divorce. 

And then you have to face the questioning/disapproving look as the teacher tries to decide what is worse: 

That she thinks you're trying to cover up your own divorce; or that you read US Weekly to your toddler like other moms read bedtime stories. 

Telling her, "It's no big deal, he also knows the words 'faux hawk' and 'rehab'," will not help the situation.

Trust me.

4.  Toddlers are like little shadows. 

I have become so accustomed to this that I stopped giving it a second thought, long ago.

This results in your now very verbal toddler making descriptive proclamations to all who will listen.

In the check out line at Target,

"Mama poops."

"Mama poops brown."

When Henry's vocabulary includes the words 'mangled', 'saggy' and 'varicose veins'.  I know I'm going to have to be more careful of his whereabouts when I get out of the shower. 

5.  Television is not the enemy.  I don't know how many times I've heard that television is bad for my kid. 

Well, sure, if I plop him in front of it all day. 

But in doses, my friends, the television is your ally. 

It can buy you a few minutes to vacuum a room, scrub a poop stain out of your couch, sit down for five minutes to hook a baby to the old boob, or talk on the phone with your therapist....

I mean friend. 

Henry knows all of his letters and most of the accompanying sounds. 

And I can guarantee that is about 80% Super Why and 20% me/preschool.

Maybe 95/5.

6.  Another benefit of television occurs when your child adopts a favorite show.  You can use fictional television characters to get your toddler to do whatever you want.

Examples:

Henry, Caillou loves to brush his teeth.

Henry, Caillou doesn't sit on his sissy's head.

Henry, Caillou loves to go to bed, it's his favorite.

Done and done.

7.  Check-out lines are toddler minefields.

I am in the process of devising some sort of hood that I can put on Henry's head while we wait to check out.

The presence of candy bars, match box cars and any number of other trinkets is just too much for him. 

I know the "Check-out Hood" sounds drastic, but I'm quite sure if I make it out of burlap, twine and decorative felt flowers it will become an overnight Pinterest sensation.

I never realized how much women love burlap (?)

8.  Don't fall for "kid's salons."

They woo you with their bright colors, fancy chairs and prizes, but I'm concerned that the employees have never actually learned to cut hair.

They have, however, watched Dumb and Dumber.

Capturing Henry's stunned attention was easy, I just said, "Hey look, there's Caillou."

Works every time. 

9.  Toddlers poop like adults.  

It's terrible and hideous and it'll give you nightmares.

As my husband so eloquently stated, "There's meat in that diaper."

10.  A toddler would eat a turd if it had Parmesan cheese sprinkled on it.