Friday, August 17, 2012

Mental Diarrhea of a SAHM

I hope I'm not alone in thinking that SAHMs (Stay at home moms) can go a little crazy sometimes.

I think it may be a blend of the children...the laundry...the isolation.

The children.

But I find myself wondering about a lot of random things during the day.

I used to text Michael with my random musings, but then I realized he has a real job in which people's eye balls are at stake.

So I quit bothering him.

So now I'm going to bother you...


1.  Why doesn't Michael's have regular sized carts?  Am I alone in finding this highly annoying?  I really don't need it to carry purchases...I need it to corral my children.

It is impossible to fit a car seat and a toddler in that little freakish mini cart...

And don't look at me like you expect me to wear Addie.  I'm not a baby sherpa.

I'm convinced the people that thought up the freakish mini cart have obviously never tried to take a two year old into Michael's with out some form of containment.


Fucking mayhem.

I have never been a firm believer in leashing children, but Henry needs a leash in Michael's...and pretty much anywhere now, but that's a story for a different day.

Joann Fabrics is also a mini cart offender.  The only people who shop there are tiny old ladies with giant purses, who frankly would probably appreciate a bigger cart, and stay and home moms with 13 kids running all over the damn place.

Can't they cut us break!

My Pinterest projects are the only thing that keep me from opening a bottle of wine at noon.


2.  Please tell me that someone else has seen the Liquid Plumber Double Impact commercial.

Is it wildly inappropriate to anyone but me?  Are they implying what I think they're implying?

Someone please help me understand this.

Have I been reading too much erotic fiction (Is that even possible?)...

Even I was a little off-put by that commercial, and that is saying something.

When I think of a giant, nasty, gummy, hair, fungus ball in my drain I don't really want to think about sex, let alone sex with double anything...


3.  Lately, Michael has voiced concern that I do laundry "too much."

Is this possible?

I don't think it's abnormal that I make him take off what he's wearing so I can wash it. 

Is it?

Is it?

Is it?

Please tell me it's not because it is pretty much the only thing I have control over around here and if you take my laundry away from me I may just go on a shooting rampage so someone please just tell me that I'm completely normal and I'm not crazy.

Thank you.

I appreciate your concern honey, but I'm fine. 

Now, could you please take off those shorts.  I'm throwing in a load of darks.

4.  Could the good people at Enfamil have made Gentlease formula smell any better?  All formula smells horrific, but this is just awful.

I already feel bad enough that Addie isn't getting my breast milk and she farts like a truck driver.

Now I feel like I'm feeding her liquid cat food.

Thanks a million Enfamil.

5.  When you post family pictures on Facebook you really have an important decision to make:

Do you post the picture where you look good and no one can see your double chin and fat thighs? 

Or do you post the picture where your kids look good and are for one extremely brief moment clean, looking at the camera and smiling?

Both of these scenarios can not happen in the same picture. 

Trust me.

It's cosmic, you can't question it.

I really prefer to post the one where I look good.  Because I really care about what the people I graduated high school with 11 years ago, and haven't seen since, think about me.

I don't want them to know I have fat ankles.  Never...

I guess the other scenario is, you choose the one where your spouse looks really good. 

Because then no matter how ugly you or your children look, everyone knows you married up.


Now can you see why I had to quit bothering Michael at work...

I'm dangerous.

6.  I can't hold my booze nearly as well as I used to.

A few weeks ago I had one margarita, put Command Hooks on every available surface of my home and passed out. 

I'm a drunk organizer now...

I can't decide if this is awesome or not...

I guess we hang the pacifiers up now (?)

I know, I don't really understand it either.

Thanks for letting me get that stuff off my chest.

If you see a bedraggled looking woman shuffling along, muttering to herself (and for a change it's not me) just assume she's a SAHM.

She probably has a lot of things going on in her head, and no one to share them with. 

I've tried talking to Henry about it. 

He just says, "Blue."

Ohh, I have to go.  The dryer just buzzed.


  1. Thank you thank you for writing your blog. I found your blog from the undie sundae post which I have passed on to ALL my preggo/mama friends. The mamas think you are a genius, and the preggo friends are slightly horrified and convinced they won't need anything like that post partum. HA.

    1. Thanks for reading, I really appreciate all the support I get from other parents! No one ever thinks they will need it, but they always do!!