To Do List

I saw a hugely pregnant intern at work yesterday.  She is due in 7 days. 

Seriously.

I have serious respect for women that work up until their due dates.  Not me.  No way.

We talked about due dates and babies and fat pregnant face, and it brought me back to what I was doing one week before my due date.

 I wasn't gonna let one minute of good eatin' time go to waste.

In all seriousness.  I could not believe she was still schlepping around the hospital.  It was always my plan to work up to the very last possible moment.  Of course, Henry got wind of that plan and flipped the script, tried to shoot out early, and then I had to lay by the pool all summer.

Bummer. 

Even if they would have let me work, I would have been completely useless.

I was dizzy.  Ridden with constant acid reflux. 

And no, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Michael. 

The platters of buffalo wings had nothing to do with it. 

Here are some things I recommend for the hugely pregnant...



1.  Get a pedicure.

Pretty up those toes.  It will draw the eye from the cankle.  The pretty toes also help you to retain some shred of dignity as your legs are flung three feet above your head, spread five feet apart, and your bits hang in the wind for everyone, including the janitor, to gawk at.

I promise it will feel like a dream to have your feet rubbed. 

You can also add a mani to your spa day! I know it's tempting to get your regular...



But I find sticking to short and unpainted is the best way to go.

Less surface area for seedy poop to get stuck under, and you don't have to worry about chipped polish and the dreaded 'snaggle fingers'.

2.  Get a massage. 

Pre-natal massages are the best...

Don't go getting the wrong idea though.  I know it will be tempting to ask the massage therapist to do everything in her power to get the ball rolling, but I must refer back to an earlier post of mine...

The goal here is to pamper yourself and take advantage of these last precious days you have to yourself.

The goal is not to induce labor.

Just trust me on this one.

3.  Personal grooming.

Pluck your eyebrows, shave your legs (I know it seems like a circus-freak flexibility acrobatic act, but you will also be a lot less self-conscious if you don't resemble Chewy when you check into the hospital). 

Take a 30 minute shower.  Relax, enjoy.  Shortly you will have to keep the curtain propped open so your baby can see you from the bouncy seat, and you will have to half-step out (dripping wet), every 3 minutes to pop the paci back in. 

4.  Stock up on the essentials. 

Dog/cat food, toilet paper, diapers, wipes, etc.

I just found it really hard to get out the door in the beginning, even for quick errands.  Make sure you have the pesky things you tend to run out of.  Then you don't have to be stressed when you run out of something you absolutely need, and your first trips out can be on your own time. 

The "essentials" includes ingredients for your Undie Sundae ...

Buy in bulk.



You won't be forced to run to Walgreen's at 11 p.m. on a Wednesday night and politely explain to the store clerk that you are indeed not pregnant.

In fact you just had a baby...but somehow you still look pregnant.

Major buzz kill.

5.  Take naps. Lots of naps. Uninterrupted, 4 hour long naps. 

Period.

These are some things I did, and some things I sure wish I would have done.

You bought tickets for a pretty wild ride, so don't feel bad about pampering yourself before you get on, they strap you in and you can't turn back.

I promise you won't want to get off.

Most days.