Friday, January 21, 2011

Belinda Crocker

Betty Crocker

I'm sure many of you will be surprised to know that Betty Crocker has an often overlooked step sister.

Belinda Crocker

Some could say forgotten for good reason; she sits in her house in her undies and lacy white tent...I mean bra.  Eating whole cheesecakes in one bite.  Candy wrappers stuck in her skin folds. 

What I have been hiding all this time (which required a lot of planning and a stand-in for my videos) is...I am her. 

She is me.

We are one.

I think I have made it very clear that I can not cook.  When I try it is a miserable failure.  Unless Michael, by some miracle happens to get home in the middle of one of these scary 'cooking' episodes and manages to salvage it into something edible. 

My kitchen is not a cooker's dream, but I'm not making excuses. 

I would never do that...

Let me show you what it's like when I try and make the effort.  Every 2 years.

Let's just say for starters that you need to gather some supplies from the pantry...

Why no, your eyes have not deceived you.  The photo was not distorted in the uploading process.  It is the skinniest pantry ever constructed.

What's that?  You need an ingredient from the back of the skinniest pantry every built.  Which also happens to be the deepest pantry ever built.  Making the whole thing the most non-functional storage place ever imagined.  By anyone.

Let me just grab that for you...

Oh piss.  I accidentally grabbed the bag of seasoned bread crumbs that we brought with us when we moved from Chicago to North Carolina.  Three years ago.  Its just so darn dark back there.  I can't really see what I'm doing. 

Let me just crawl in and find that for you.

Never fear, I got it!  Now let me just extract my wedged torso from the pantry.

Now you need seasonings for your meal?  Well, you've already gone above and beyond my capabilities, so good for you!

Wait, don't get them from the spice rack.  That's really just for decoration.  We registered for it, but who really uses fennel or marjoram? 

What you're looking for is probably in the spice bag.  Buried under plastic bags that we keep to scoop the litter box.  On the floor of the skinniest pantry ever built.

You must drag out the spice bag and sift through it to find what you need. 

Assessing the situation, I bet you're wondering, "How bad do I really need the garlic powder?"

Now you need a skillet!?  Looks like we got a real Martha Stewart on our hands!

If you could just explain to me what this skillet thing looks like, I can see if we have one.

What's that?  You just want to quit!

Me too.

Let's get Chinese.

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