Monday, November 15, 2010

Demonic Goats

5...4...3...2...1...It's go time. I'm gonna go there...I'm going to talk about childbirth. Pushing a human out of your body...well my body.  And yours too, if you're a mother. 

We, actually I, rented The Back Up Plan on Saturday night.  Michael would never have selected that from Red Box, I guess he shouldn't have sent me out to get dessert.  I know what you're thinking, J Lo. acting...its like watching a train wreck.  But the movie was HIGHlarious.  We laughed through the whole thing. Now I don't know if that's because we just went through that whole pregnancy/childbirth hoopla, but it was pretty funny and scarily accurate in some instances.  There is one scene with a woman giving birth in one of those inflatable tubs (more power to ya if you are one of those women...but I'm just going to have to say, Ewww.)  She is yelling and making these crazy goat moans.  It is so funny I thought I was going to pee my pants.  Which is a lot more likely now after having Henry. 

My experience was muuuuuch different.  There was no moaning, groaning, grunting, sweating, yelling, etc.  I got off easy.  I owe this ALL to the wonder of the epidural.  I say the word epidural with a quiet, worship-like reverence.  Ladies, it is a beautiful thing.  My butt was so numb...Osama could have been camped out in that cave and I would have been none the wiser.  To top it all off the epidural made me itch SO I got to have IV Benadryl.  To all the nurses out do you knock out a patient?  That's right, push that Benadryl like you are dealing crack on the sidewalk.  It felt like I had 5 martinis and then I fell asleep for a good hour and a half.  At which point I woke up because I was hurting...which alarmed me.  I was very happy not feeling one damn thing.  My doctor meandered in...I think he was just coming in to say that he was going home and the next doctor would be the one to deliver. Ha, we showed him...

He checked me and I was fully dilated.  From 5 and half to 10 in an hour and half (while I was blissfully napping) I know there are women out there right now that want to line me up in front of a firing squad.

"You'll feel better once you start pushing."

Excuse me. Start pushing? Pushing what? Pushing the baby out? Now? I thought this was supposed to be like a 30 hour long process.  I haven't mentally prepared myself for this step yet.  I'm not focused. I'm not ready!! 

I looked at Michael and he looked...prepared.  He always looks prepared.  Its irksome. So he held one hand and my mom held my other hand, and I pushed.  Or at least I think I pushed.  I scrunched up my face and made the motion like I was pushing. I couldn't feel a thing...I have no idea what I was doing.  Apparently it worked.  Henry came sliding out like a greased ham.  I know, ewww.

They put him on my, slime, blood and all.

"He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen."  That is all I could say.

All without a single goat moan.  Epidural...think about it.

The fruit of my labor

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