So I got up to feed Henry last night at 1:00 am. Usually that's not until about 3:30 or 4:30 am, but more on that new evil later. So we sat in bed and I cradled him in my arms and he gazed up at me with his big blue eyes (aren't all baby's eyes blue for awhile?). He ate and cooed and we looked at each other lovingly. NOT. That would not be how that went, thanks for playing though. It usually goes more like this: wailing wakes me up and I get up in a huff (why I still haven't come to terms with getting up in the middle of the night, I do not know), I stumble down to the kitchen to get a bottle....Yes, I know, I know. He is bottle fed. It'll give him something to talk to his therapist about. We tried breastfeeding...it just didn't take. What can you do? SO....
I get back up to his room, usually having tripped over a cat or two. He is grunting, snorting, sucking his fists and crying all at the same time. I get him up and sit down to feed him...and then the arms start going. I call them the 'pterodactyl arms'. I don't know why, I guess it just looks like he could take off and soar over the neighborhood. He starts eating, which he can't do fast enough. Then he suddenly forgets how to breath and eat at the same time...which leads to more grunting, gasping, choking and crying. Then in my sleep deprived state I begin to wonder. Does my child have a learning disability that he doesn't remember how to breath and eat simultaneously from one feeding to the next? There goes the Nobel Peace Prize he was going to get (at the age of 8, no less). So we continue on like this until the bottle is empty. Praise the Lord. I forgot to mention there are several burps smattered in there, with usually one or two healthy fountains of spit up that result in me changing my sleeping attire before I go back to bed. I love my Henry. BUT THIS IS MISERABLE. Are we doing it wrong? Is it the wrong nipple? Am I giving him a complex, an unhealthy relationship with food? The questions go on and on.
In the mornings I usually watch all the baby shows on TLC. A Baby Story, Bringing Home Baby, Make Room for Multiples, yada yada. I guess it just gives me some peace to know other people are doing the same things we are? Anyway, during this one episode the mom was going on and on about how wonderful everything was, and sunshine was just pouring out of her ass all the time. What is she doing that EVERY moment is so priceless and beautiful. Yes, there are plenty of priceless and beautiful moments...but there are plenty that...aren't. Am I somehow a terrible mother for pointing this out? Am I selfish for wanting some time of my own now? I fight with myself on a daily basis and think, yes...I probably am being selfish. But that is something I am working on.
So the TV mom was talking about how she cherished the hour she got after everyone else was asleep when she got to stay up and feed her little angel. Excuse me, but if everyone else is asleep...I want to be asleep too! I can't decide if she is Mother Teresa and the best mom in the world, or if shes just lying because of the TV cameras? I like to think its the latter. If you are thinking I am a terrible mother for saying some of these things then you may not want to continue reading my blog...because I've plenty more where that came from.
P.S. I love being a mother, and I love Henry more than life. Sometimes it all just makes me want to cry. Is that okay?