Heartbreak

My mother-in-law told me once that after she brought Michael home from the hospital she would just sit in the rocking chair with him and cry.

Then Steve (my father-in-law) would come home and be like,

"Why are you crying!?"

"Because someday some other girl is going to kiss Michael."

Awww. I know.

She told me she was glad that it ended up being me :)

I think of that story sometimes when I'm cuddling Henry and kissin' all over his face.  But then I think, wait, she is right.  Someday someone is going to fall in love with Henry.   Someone else will kiss him and love him (I hope).

Someday, Henry is going to go on dates.  Before we know it he will be off to college and on his own.

Free to make his own decisions and decide the kind of person he wants to be.  How he is going to treat people. 

It seems like I have known Michael forever.  Like there was never a time when he wasn't in my life.  But obviously, we've only been married for a year.

 My dating days are not that far behind me.

I feel extremely fulfilled in my life right now, so I can't regret the path that got me here, but I definitely feel less than proud of some of my decisions.  I hope I am not the only one that feels this way...

At times I find myself wishing I could have done things differently; been a better person.  I have found that having a baby has made me more introspective.  Brought up old memories...not because I'm wishing there would have been a different outcome, but because if Henry found himself in the same situation I would want him to handle things differently than I did.  I want more for him, expect more from him.  Want him to be a better person than I have been. 

I am in love with the song, 'What do you Want?' by Jerrod Niemann.

I really love his voice, but the lyrics are really what get me.  I feel sure that if you listen to the song you could relate to it.  We all have moments in our past we aren't proud of; been hurt by someone and been the one that inflicted the hurt.  Selfish moments, foolish moments...moments of heartbreak and sorrow.

I don't know why, it ends up making me think about Henry and how I want him to be a good person.  How I want to raise him to be a decent person, a good man.  I want him to treat people well and with respect.   I don't want him to break someone's heart or have his heart broken. Unfortunately, I know both of these things will happen.

Will I know what to say? How to comfort him during those difficult times in his life?

It just makes the saying, "wanting more for your children" painfully clear.  I had a lot growing up, but I want even more for Henry.  Most of all I want him to be a better person than I am, than I ever was.  More selfless, more mature and at times more kind. 

Bear with me, I'm just having a mom-moment that I didn't see coming.